The official (and entirely unaccountable) paper of record for the Second Annual Deschutes River Run. All articles below are fiction. Mostly. Legally, all of them.
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The Deschutes Dispatch
✦ Aquatics Division of the Camping Team · Established MMXXV ✦
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Extra! Extra!
‘Don’t Give Up
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After a maiden voyage that saw the entire crew return upright and the books balanced to the penny, the Camping Team’s aquatics division has announced the return of its flagship expedition. Don’t Give Up The Ship II — the Second Annual Deschutes River Run — launches the week of August 12th and runs through the 16th, with camp pitched once more at Oak Springs outside Maupin. | |||||||||
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Developing Story
Jake Stevens Forgets The Ice. Again. Sources ‘Not Even Mad, Just Disappointed.’Local man Jake Stevens has once again arrived at the put-in with vibes, opinions, and no ice — a role he has now held for six consecutive seasons. Witnesses report Mr. Stevens “gestured confidently toward a cooler that turned out to be empty,” before asking whether anyone had service. The FAQ, which he has never read, addresses this directly. Camp leadership issued a brief statement: “Bring ice. Never enough ice.” It is understood to be directed at one specific person. | |||||||||
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Classifieds — FOUND: the missing lens from Jake’s $7 gas-station sunglasses (five years later). WANTED: a shuttle driver who is not Jake. FOR SALE: one (1) cooler, gently emptied. LOST: Jake’s sense of direction, last seen upstream.
Almanac — Crew lost, all-time: zero. Crawdads eaten on site: one, gloriously. Ice supplies attributable to Jake Stevens: also zero. High-side when told.
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Don’t Give Up The Ship II · DGUTS ’26
Satire, filed lovingly. Hosted by Jeff & Nigel · Maupin, Oregon · Ship happens. Paddle through it.
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RSVP by August 7. Do something quotable. Bring ice — unlike some people.